Be Strong

Aileen sent me this song. The lyrics by themselves aren't that wonderful, but together with the melody, it makes for quite a nice song.

Be Strong
Delta Goodrem

Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue?
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you've been through?
Well I know what you're thinking
When you can't take it
You can make it
Sometime soon I know you'll see

'cause when your in you're darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower
whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

Where taking each step one day at a time
You can't loose your spirit
Let live and let live forget and forgive
It's all how you see it
And just remember keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on, and be strong

No you're not defeated
And soon you'll be smiling once again
Then you won't have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you're allowed to cry

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

I live, I hope

I wanted post the thoughts that arose from my MSN conversation with a friend. But as I started typing, the thoughts of that PSC scholar being persecuted because for expressing his private thoughts came to mind. And I realise that what I intend to write might be greatly misconstrued and I might get into trouble.

The long arms of the ISD are not to be trifled with. That coupled by the reactions that the public can have makes for effective censorship.

But as I typed the above preamble, I have decided that I should write what I initially wanted to.

In the conversation with my friend, the topic of my politcal inclination came up. And some how, that led to me wondering out loud about whether the best way of getting rid of poverty is actually to kill everyone who's poor. It's culling. Killing stray cats. If the people are too poor and their lives are nothing but constant suffering, and there is no practical solution, then why not just kill them and deliver them from suffering? Would it not be more humane? Or would we rather like to see these poor destitute people suffer, knowing that there really isn't much that we can do to help them? And it would make sense too. If these people are not able to contribute in a worthwhile manner to the economy, and are in fact dragging it down, then for their sakes, for our sakes, kill them. It's a win-win situation. Why not?

Most people would be shocked and appalled by this line of thinking. And while part of me agrees with this line of thinking (i am a practical person, a glorious product of our wonderful education system), there is another part of me which doesn't. The irrational part. My head reasons and agrees, my heart disagrees and aches. Why? Because I believe that there is hope. Hope that one day, we will be able to lift all out of poverty. Hope that one day, we will be able to create a world without suffering.

Hope, the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of our greatest strength and our greatest weakness.

I live, I hope. I am deluded and shall remain so.

I had to have this

If
Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied to, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating
And don't look too good nor speak too wise.

If you can dream and not make dreams your master;
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same
If you can bear to hear the truth you have spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop to build them up with worn out tools.

If you can make one heap of your winnings
And risk it all in one turn of pitch and toss
And lose and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing left in you
Except the will that says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings not lose your common touch.
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count on you but none too much.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds of distance run
Then yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
And what is more, you will be a Man my son!

This poem is one of the most inspirational that I've read. I shall repeat it once in a while in my blog, every time I need to remind myself of the sort of person I want to be. Despite the slight male chauvinism, I think this poem applies equally to both genders. Don't you think?

*The Z-Monster has devoured Rencheng. Please try again later. Thank you come again*

Blair, Liar?

Just read this article in TODAY. John Howard called Blair a liar. Bring that into the Singaporean context, it would be equivalent to Chee Soon Juan calling the PM a liar. What do you think would happen? Defamation suits galore, bankcruptcy, bye bye Dr Chee.

But of course, it's alright if MM (then SM) calls Dr Chee a 'congenital liar'. Why har?

Anyways, back to Blair. what a name? Blair... BLEAAAARGH. like some violent reaction to some seriously nasty food. But he does have some charm. He might be a liar, but he does it with some aplomb. I wonder what his response to that nurse's question was. (During some public forum thing, a nurse asked Blair whether he would wipe someone's ass for 5 pounds and hour. I would like to see that happening in Singapore. erm... not Blair wiping someone's arse for 5 pounds and hour. But someone asking our PM some similarly difficult questions...).

I wonder whether the Tories will win this elections. It does seem that John Howard is slightly more effective the IDS. More presence.

It is strange how I feel that I can say all I like about British politics but I think twice (more than twice in fact) about commenting on Singapore politics. I must admit, I do feel threatened that if I say something wrong, that I will be persecuted by ISD or any other secret, unknown, unheard of agency that gets rid of political dissidents.

I think that that might be what happened to some of the people featured on the show 'Missing'. I think that they are either secretly against the PAP, but were found out and thus taken away, never to be seen again. Or perhaps they were secretly spies for another country.

But yar. I wonder whether Singapore will ever become a country where we can have comedians openly lampooning our politicians (without fear of retribution) the way Bremner, Bird and Fortune do in UK.

Why trousers?

I think that if man had any sense, we would be wearing skirts, especially in the hotter equatorial regions. Much better for reproductive organs. And no underwear. What's the point of underwear anyways? It increases the temperature of the gonads and increases the chances of damage.

I don't get designs on underwear either. Especially female underwear. Unless of course the particular lady wearing it wants people to see the undergarment that she's wearing. Otherwise, why bother how it looks like? Ergo, all women who go out buying underwear with frilly designs don't mind guys staring down their blouses or up their skirts. Either that, or they have plans that night to get some action.

If not, then why the hell bother with what it looks like? Better get some that FEELS good rather than LOOK good.

I've actually posed this question to some of my female friends and this is their response: Ladies buy nice looking lingerie cos the fact that they are wearing nice looking lingerie makes them feel good.

But the very same female friends of mine have issues when guys leer at them, trying to sneak peaks down their blouses and up their skirts.

So I'm puzzled. How then does wearing nice looking lingerie make these women feel better? Unless they spend much time looking at themselves in the said lingerie. (Image of these female friends of mine constantly staring down their own blouses, going, "Oooh... my Victoria Secrets bra is so nice...." pops into mind...). But I'm sure they don't (these friends of mine may be quite peculiar and all... but they are not that strange...).

The only logical reason I can think of is that, secretly, subconciously, while they ostensibly are very annoyed when that happens, women, all women, actually want men to look down their blouses and up their skirts. That is why they wear nice looking underwear. With frills and lace and all.

Ah... but then again, I realised something. Human beings are not always logical. Just look at Asian men, in the sweltering heat, wearing trousers and underwear. No logic at all!

If I could, I would disown my own species. And be a buffalo. Charging into tennis courts.

But that is a story for another day.

TLC

In Singapore, more than anywhere else, TLC can make or break you. Why? Cos TLCs have the blessings of THE Family.

In case you haven't realised, TLC, in Singapore, doesn't just mean Tender Loving Care. It also means Temasek Link Companies. i.e. if your business has the TLC of TLCs, then your business more likely than not thrive.

But of course, it is not because of any corrupt practices. It's because if a TLC supports you, it must mean that your business already has some good fundamentals. Cos that is what Temasek Holdings does isn't it? It does its research before supporting any business, etc, so if it supports your business and your business succeeds, it's because your business is already on its way to success anyways. So it is not because TH supports your business that it succeeds. In fact, it is TH wanting to get a slice of your success. So there. No corrupt practices there. This proves that there is no reason to doubt our government's principle of incorruptibility.

Or is there?

Words, spoken and Written

I was reading Lisa's blog. And she mentioned some things that we discussed. Then I realised that a lot of the things that I express are through my conversations with my friends. It's like... if those few friends of mine come together and write down the things that I've shared with them, that would be the best blog of mine possible.

I seem to be better able to express my thoughts by TALKING to people rather than to put it down in words. Talking has the element of body language. The glint in the eye, the upward curl of the lips, the slight furrow of the brow, the crossing of the arms. All these speak a lot more than any number of words.

But there are some things that are more meaningful when written down. And some mistakes are a lot funnier when they are written down. Like Cheok's (Cheok is the BOSS MAN of our office) email to the office:
"Friends,

There are some indian TIT (caps my own) bit from Vasu at the Pantry. Please help yourself.

Thank you."

Poor Indian.

RESPECT

First let me respond to Brandon's question of who my Muse is. She is actually not very interesting. But nonetheless, I think all of us know her, some better than others. Some times, once in a while, she drives us crazy. Her name is Boredom.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop.

But let us not talk about Boredom. I had an interesting conversation today with my friend, Aileen. And she was saying that I'd better be careful with all my reference to Mr Lee Kuan Yew (Bless his soul and may peace be upon his name) and my practice of adding (Bless his soul and may peace be upon his name). I don't see why adding the things in the () will get me into trouble. I add that because I truly believe that his soul should be blessed and peace should be upon his name. I respect that guy.

Then I was thinking out loud why I respect him. And I realised it's because of my NS and because NEXUS did a GREAT job. See right, my office, MCIOO, is next to the NEXUS office in CMPB. The NEXUS door is always open and they have some photos along the corridors leading into their office. and there is one that you can see from the door. and it so happens that when you walk out of the toilet, towards my office, you'll see into the NEXUS office and see this photo. it is the photo of Mr Lee Kuan Yew (Bless his soul and may peace by upon his name). you know... the photo of him with that pained, anguish look when Singapore separated from Malaysia. And everytime I come out of the toilet, I see this look on this great man. What must have been going through his mind? He was faced with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, a neigh impossible task of making Singapore work. He could have just said, "Ah, chuck it. This isn't my problem. I'm off to London to be a big successful lawyer". But he didn't. He felt responsible for his fellow citizens. He stayed. He fought. And if not for that, if not for him, Singapore would be an empty piece of land, probably overgrown with weeds.

Of course, we might not agree with some of the things that the man did. He himself openly admitted that he made some wrong decisions and that there were things that, in hindsight, he could have done differently. But hindsight is always twenty-twenty (or 6/6). Sure, this man had some failings. But he's only human. And put yourself in his position. Would you have done any better?

So yar. Don't you think that we should bless his soul and wish for peace upon his name?

What's your number?

we are all numbers.

"eh, siao eh, what number you play?"

"wah si 369. you?"

or "I'm 24601".

or in Singapore's context: "I'm 8036506"

"eh, ji eh si a 6 leh... don't pwray pwray arh."

"that one a 20. balu make it only arh."

"wah... i got only 22 you know. wah lau tu tu man"

"sir, i 342324. can i helptch you? kopi tea or me?"

so you see... in this day and age, where we don't have time to get to know another person better, we digitise that person, we reduce that person to a series of numbers. much easier. just a glance at all the numbers and we know whether we want to associate ourselves with this person or not, or whether we want to employ him or not. won't need to waste time actually talking to him/her, actually sharing experiences, going through thick and thin together. just look at the numbers. it's all there. much simpler right?

so. still ai zo flen mai? you what numbers first. number not good mai liao lim bei eh si kang.

Poetry

The Muses came,
Whispering, they commanded,
Write, for this is divine inspiration.
And write I did:

The Bee
by Rencheng

Busy busy little bee
One fine day he came for tea
Drank too much and had to pee
In public for all to see.

sheer genius isn't it? i told you i would have poetry in my life. :)

And I thought that would help...

I was so super tired in the office today. A small price to pay for a wonderful chat the evening before. But it was quite tough fighting the Z-Monster. and just as i thought i would lose, i remembered that i have not visited comics.com for a LONG time. it was a possible recourse.

Alas, Get Fuzzy and Dilbert only managed to postpone the inevitable (cue Agent Smith: "Do you hear that Mr Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability."). i eventually did doze off. and that was while i was chatting to Shu. and because i was dozing off, i was in such a confused state that i couldn't remember whether i actually did chat to shu. it was one of those moments when i couldn't really be sure whether i was awake or whether i was dreaming. actually... most of my life is like that. but nvm. that's a story for another day.

so yar. fortunately, no one actually caught me dozing off. otherwise... my grand plan of acting busy would no longer work. i tell you... all those years in Chinese Drama (that was my ECA in Secondary School... ok... you can stop laughing now...) finally paid off. it's all in the furrow of the brow and the worried look in the eyes. that is the secret to acting busy. oh... and make sure that your colleagues are too busy with their own work to check with one another how much work they have given you. and then you are in the home straight. one shortcoming though. this plan only works if you are in NS. erm... or if you are only using your current job as a stepping stone to something else. or better yet... if your current job is a stop gap. then yar. act busy for a few months, then when they start to realise that you aren't really doing much, switch jobs. brilliant eh?

i have no ethics. it's dilbert's fault. all my work ethics, i picked up from dilbert. it is one of my favourite comic strips. that and Get Fuzzy. and Calvin and Hobbes. these must be my three fav. comic strips. i wonder whether a kid like Calvin actually exists. i think he would definitely be branded a failure in the Singaporean education system.

i wonder whether i should tell Mr Tharman Shanmugaratnam that when i next see him. imagine, "Minister, sir, you should change the education in Singapore cos Calvin would fail in it."

all kids should be made to read calvin and hobbes. that would inject some creativity into their otherwise staid and boring lives. all kids should be encouraged to be more like Calvin. yar right. and fail their exams? you must be out of your mind. but hey... shouldn't kids be given the choice of what they want to do? whether they want to be creative, or artistic, not do math, or science, or english? yar... they should. and they should (and will) choose something that will allow them to earn the most MOOLA. their wonderful parents will see to it that they do. societal conditioning will ensure that they will.

ohohoh... flashback! the image of me walking outside the Arts and Social Science (ASS) library in Bristol just popped into my head. and i'm walking into the dingy little food place there. i can even smell the place. oil, vinegar on chips. and it's... autumn. cold. but not that dreary yet. trees still have their auburn crowns. not quite the start of term. probably halfway through the first term.

and now it's spring. and i'm getting into a lift. a lift in the students' union. going up to the fifth floor. i shall stop here. must snap out of it.

right... where's my trance music? perhaps the mind numbing duntz duntz duntz of trance will purge these images from my mind.

How should I react?

i really don't know. today, at work, this lady called up. and she said, 'Your office hor, called MCIOO arh? Wah, your office name veli farney hor?' what the hell was i supposed to say to that?!! call me and first thing come close to insulting my office. okok... not that i have much love for my office or what, but still... that's not all. she was asking who the AO for my office is and i told her that it's Alinda. when i spelt it out for her, she went, 'Alinda arh? wah... how come her name so farney one arh?' and so what?!! man... she has the interpersonal skills of a plankton!

man... the people you meet sometimes. actually, i wasn't angry. i was just exasparated to the point of being amusing. i just couldn't believe that there are such yobos around in Singapore. how did she survive past childhood? imagine meeting a person for the first time, 'eh... your name veli farney hor? how come liddat one arh?' *thwack*, *pow*, *wham* carcass thrown into the Singapore River and becomes fish food. plankton is fish food too you know.

in any case, what's in a name anyways? i would quote shakespeare if i could. but i can't. i think i'll give my kid a name that is horribly difficult to pronounce. something that is completely meaningless to boot. Audremeachinatyompioneducturempin. or something like that. and no. you can't call him aud for short. or pin or anything else. it's got to be the full name or nothing, you lazy git for a teacher. i'm sure my kid will thank me for it. :)

i hate it that EVERYONE spells my name wrongly. it's either Ren Chen, or Ren Chang or something silly like that. what's so difficult about it? and i've got a perfectly normal name. not someting like Audremeachinatyompioneducturempin. can you imagine what that silly woman who called me at work today would say if she saw a name like that? i wonder whether she'll be so vexed by it that she asphyxiates and dies.

i'm being mean. i actually bear that woman no ill will. i just find it odd.

hmm... i wonder why i'm being so... bitter. perhaps it's because i'm sleepy. not enough sleep. but i had a wonderful time chatting on msn last night. so well... i guess this is the price to pay for it la.

man... time is just crawling! i've seen refrigerators run faster. and yes, Mr Tam drives.

right. i'm gettting back to my lameness. and it's repeated lameness at that. shucks. will stop for now. and find something else to pass the many torturous minutes before i go off.

Romance?

Following on from the previous post.

So... if we are just merely automatons, merely following the diktat of our genes, then does that mean that there is no room for love and romance?

of courese there is. love and romance are but another 2 mechanisms that aid in the propogation of our genes. so... if we don't think about it, i.e. don't consciously think that love and romance are but mechanism that aid in the propogation of our genes, we can still enjoy 'love' and 'romance'.

ah well... something from shakespeare about love:
Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs;
Being purg'd, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears;
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.

for more on romance, read that post that had bits from meet joe black here. i really want to watch that show again.

Altruistic or Selfish?

So... are we by nature, altruistic or selfish? or neither? or both?

i'd say, we are both. depending on the situation. life is a competition amongst the genes that we carry, a competition to see which set of genes can propogate the faster, for the longest. so when it is in the interest of that set of genes to be selfish, then we are selfish. but there are times when we human beings best survive and best excel when we work together. that is when we are less selfsish, more altruistic. (put it this way, no one really wants to spend much time around a selfish person... so a selfish person really wouldn't have much chance of scoring now would he/she?).

actually... these ideas that i'm putting forth aren't original ideas. they can be found in the book 'The Red Queen' by Matt Ridley. i don't agree with all the theories he has in the book. but there are a lot of theories in there that make sense. like how life, society, civilisation, etc. are nothing but complex mechanisms for our genes to propogate. so even things like morality, ethics, and all other similar nonsense are nothing but mechanisms that enable human beings to be better able to propogate our genes. i.e. we only obey 'laws' and work together so that we can ensure sufficient peace and stability and safety for ourselves to go on with the task of propogating our genes (i.e. have kids). but when it benefits us to break these laws, to not work together (like if i can steal all your food with impunity...) and that breaking these laws and not working together actually helps us in propogating our genes (if i steal all your food, i'll have more to feed my kids and your kids will die, and thus my kids will have an advantage... and if i won't get punished for my act...) then yes.. we will break the law.

we are slaves of our genes. we are but automatons in our genes' relentless, meaningless march of propogation.

i suppose it is less depressing to not believe in this theory and believe that there is some greater purpose to our life (i.e. God, etc.).

Expensive kids

i read in someone's blog about kids spending shit loads of money buying useless things like branded clothes and spending their lau pei and lau bu's money like drinking water, buying this and that, following fasion, chasing after trends, becoming popular and all. i think that that is why there is the perception that it's expensive to have kids. cos kids these days expect that much more creature comforts.

it is not the fault of these kids though. i think society on the whole is like that. we complain that things are getting more expensive. is it really? if you don't buy a car, if you just stay in a HDB flat, if you don't go eat out at restaurants every week, or go carrefour to buy your groceries, if you just cook at home, buy your groceries from the wet market near by, i'm sure the cost of living isn't that much more expensive. i'm not saying that things aren't getting more expensive. they are. but inflation in prices is compounded by inflation in expectations.

my parents are not rich people. my household income is only slightly more than $5000 a month. yet my parents have quite a lot of savings. no... they aren't rich. but well to do. and that is because my parents, particularly my mom, is super thrifty... almost to the point of being miserly. my mom packs lunch to work everyday for the last 30 years. that easily saves at least a dollar a day. don't knock that. it all adds up.

i think we are just too into this entire consumerist culture that the 'west' seems to have indoctrinated us. we spend and spend and spend. on what? ourselves. more often than not, just ourselves. even if we are not really rich, we would go out of our way, bend over backwards to spend every last cent that we have on ourselves. and then we complain that things are too expensive. have we considered whether we really need the things that we spend on? if we only spend on the things that we really need (i.e. if we don't have these things, we will DIE), then we will find that we actually have a lot of money left over to do a lot more. like give to society. like save for our old age. like take care of our parents. like have kids.

but no. we NEED to spend on ourselves, to PAMPER ourselves. is that perhaps reflective of how SELFISH we have gotten?

Tan Kah Kee ate only porridge, peanuts and salted vegetables, even after he made his fortune. whatever money he had, he used for the community. ACS, The Chinese High School (now the Hwachong Institute), the then Nantah all benefitted from his generosity. whatever happened to that kind of attitude?

i am not condemning capitalism. if not for capitalism, TKK wouldn't have made his fortune. but whatever happened to the spirit of giving? of spending not on ourselves but for others? whatever happened to that?

and the same goes for time. if we don't go around chasing after all these hedonistic, self-centred pleasures, luxuries, etc. then we wouldn't have to work our asses off earning money and we would have time to spend with our family, our extended family, our friends, doing something for society, etc.

whatever happened to all that? if our entire life is only about spending our own time and money just for ourselves, our own 'enjoyment', then what is the point of living? cos soon, we will die. does all these 'enjoyment' really make us happier?

so to those of us (yes... i am guilty of it too. i resolve to change) who spend so much for ourselves, i say, stop, reflect. think of people like Tan Kah Kee. let us aspire to be like him.

Cryptic Messages?

the last post was cryptic. perhaps those who know me slightly better will know what i was talking about. or... perhaps no. just a question. so what does the fact that i post cryptic messages on my blog say about me as a person?

go figure.

Why am I waiting?

why do i wait in front of my laptop every night? what is it that i am waiting for? what am i hoping to see? ah... of course. that thing. every night. for how long now? how silly. i am sure it will pass. as it always does. but what if it doesn't. what if it persists? what will come out of it? nothing. or perhaps disappointment.

we shall see.

Out of sight

have you ever felt like doing something impossible? and the odds are so totally stacked against you? that everyone thinks you are crazy, or idiotic or considers what you are doing wrong? but something in you just says, "No... I know what I'm doing is right. I know it's going to be tough, but it'll work... somehow... and it's worth it." have you ever felt that? have you felt that somehow, you are the only person who was chosen to bear witness to the Truth and when you tell people, they tell you that you are wrong? like how Mozart felt that his music was genius but no one at that time saw it as that. or how Galileo knew that the Earth goes around the sun but was ridiculed. Or how people like Washington and Jefferson were branded as traitors.

sigh. i wonder whether i will be able to take being in that kind of position, when i alone knew the Truth, knew what is 'Right'. and i had to fight against the established delusions. i think it is such a heavy responsibility.

or perhaps i should just be a lemming. follow the crowd. don't rock the boat. so what if there are various things wrong with the world and with society, etc.? so what if a few eggs had to be broken to make the omelette? so what if a few people had to die, if a few trees have to be cut down, if a few animals were tortured before i get all my creature comforts? it doesn't matter right? out of sight, out of mind.

Truth. Right. or Wrong?

Today's Lameness

Joel was talking about some Japanese restaurants in Cuppage Centre. he was saying that there are a whole variety of Dons available there. my immediate response: do they have Giovanni then?

i managed to suppress it for a while. but it eventually came out. sighz. i am lame. looks like the mental scarring of my torn ligament takes a bit longer to heal.

gosh... that was lame too!!!

Switzerland

MM Lee (bless his soul and may peace be upon his name) mentioned something about Singapore being neat and tidy like Switzerland. what's wrong with being like Switzerland? i was watching this travelogue thing and the guy was in Switzerland. it brought back fond memories of my brief time there.

that place has so much identity. its people are such warm people. granted, they are blessed with the beautiful Alps and cows. but it's the people that makes the difference. they are efficient yet warm and personnal. so who says that it is not possible to have a heart while being efficient?

and they have so many international brands. banks, pharmaceuticals, etc. why should Singapore not aspire to be like them? so... again, rather than only aspire to bring in the best shows in the world, the best companies in the world, let's have our own, let's start exporting our own brands, our own high and pop culture. let's set the trends, let's be trailblazers, rather than just follow what other people do.

and when i say export culture, i don't mean PCK the musical. that is trying to copy others. why another musical? why not do what the blacks did in America and invent our equivalent of jazz? do something that NO ONE has done and have everyone the world over want to emulate us. Japan did a great job with their anime. let us create for ourselves our equivalent of anime, of jazz. let THAT be our buzz!

Singapore. a tiny little island. a land of much constraints, many contradictions. a tiny place. a place i call HOME.

Thumb Drives?

Yes it is true. Mr Tam drives. He drove me to MINDEF today.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

Revolutions are never easy. They entail much turmoil, great destruction and suffering. But out of the rubble of the old, like a phoenix rising from its ashes, a better tomorrow is built.

Why not look inwards?

MM (may peace be upon him) said something in parliament today which i felt that i had to respond. he said that we should look to draw in the best shows from all over the world to give singapore its buzz. my question is: should we not look to make OUR shows the best shows in the world? should we not be pouring our efforts and energy into making 'Made In Singapore' shows, art, culture, etc. what people, cities, countries, civilisations the world over want to import and emulate? should we not devote our energies into becoming the net exporter of pop and high culture, of becoming the trailblazers? i think that that is what makes the great cities great.

just look at america. why is it great? because a) it has the money, b) it has enough firepower to blow you to kingdom come and c) it is able to get people the world over to buy into its culture (of McDonalds, MTV, Hollywood, etc.).

if Singapore is to become great, then we need to be the trailblazers and come up with things which other people would want to emulate. and i do not mean tangible goods. i mean culture. the day that we get brits and americans speaking singlish, we would know that we are a great country. the day we get the brits and americans the world over dying to eat char kway teow instead of a burger, then we know that we are a great nation. can that be done though?

i believe it can. i believe we can.

I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And Love. Love above all. No, not the artful postures of love, but love that overthrows life. Ungovernable, unbiddable, like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done come ruin or rapture.

I want to get swept away, to levitate. I want to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy, or at least leave myself open to be.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are going to end up with? I say fall head over your heels. Find someone you'll love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. Forget your head and listen to your heart.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey withouth falling deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Stay open. Who knows, lightning could strike.

Just think of millenia multiplied by aeons compounded by infinity, I've been around that long.

Now multiply it by infinity and take it to the depth of forever, and you still will barely have a glimpse of what I am talking about.

It nice it happen to you. It like you came to Cat Island and you had a holiday, sun didn't burn you red, just brown, no mosquito eat you, rum no pound you head nex' day. But trut' is, dat bound to happen, you stay long enough. So take dat nice picture wi' you, but don' be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, we got some nice pictures.

Lightning struck. We caught it in a bottle. Don't let it out.

Trust, responsibility , taking the weight, for your choices and feelings and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.

A man who will love her, who is of this world, of this time and has the grace and compassion and fortitude to walk beside her as she makes her way through this beautiful thing called life.

If you choose to test my resolve on this matter, you'll be looking at an outcome that will have a finality that is beyond your comprehension, you'll not only be counting the days or the months or the years, but millenia in the house with no doors.

That you would have a life where you can wake up one morning and say "I don't want anything more."

_________________

in case you are wondering what the whole load of stuff above were about... well... i got bored at work, as i'm wont to, and i started thinking about some movies that i watched. it started with shakespeare in love (the bit about wanting poetry and love in my life, yadaydayada), then i thought about "Meet Joe Black". so the rest of what came after that were lines from "Meet Joe Black".

it is a fantastic show. well... perhaps i found it wonderful cos i'm such a... soppy guy. and perhaps more wonderful cos of the situation under which i watched it.

as i read the screenplay... the images came into my mind. the pining. the longing. life. death.

i have an entire slew of emotions which i originally wanted to put down in words. the desire to write it all out was so intense while i was reading the screenplay. but now, after a trip to the toilet, it has dissipated. and as the intensity fades, i can't find the words.

one look and a twinkle in the eyes. one smile and the innocent joy. a gentle touch and the comforting assurance. a hug and the warmth.

Title?

it is terribly difficult coming up with a title. i guess i'm more the sort of person who just writes whatever comes to mind. cos if i were to restrict myself to one topic, then invariably, the topics converge to just a few issues. and it is not as if i really have much worthwhile things to say about those issues. i think i'm just a poser, trying to make myself believe that i have much refreshing views to contribute to those few issues. alas... i realise that i do not. nonetheless, those are my thoughts, and these are my posts where i verbalise those thoughts and pen them down.

sometimes, i realise why i have such a great reluctance to write my thoughts down. it is as if by writing them, i make them more real, i give them life, i give them some form of permenance which i might come to regret later on. i guess that is why i prefer talking. saying these things out load is one way of letting these ideas out, but not give them that tangible form.

alas, i don't always have someone by me to serve as that cathartic outlet. so i talk to myself. i wonder whether that freaks anyone else around me. sometimes i forget that there are other people around and i start talking to myself. and halfway through my conversations with myself, i realise that there are other people around who might have heard me. and i feel... embarrassed. even apologetic. as if i've done something wrong. perhaps i feel contrite for having freaked them out.

ah well... sleep beckons me into her nebulous realm of sweet reverie.

Voices

This is one of those times when I really feel like writing out some of my thoughts, but I can't because my mind is in a chaotic miasma of opinions, ideas, little incoherent pieces of information. It feels like the entire mass of what is in my mind seeks for an outlet, buiding up pressure, looking for some release. But none is to be found.

Solace. Quietitude. Silence.

No.

Only voices. Different tones, different pitches, rough and coarse, uncouth, refined, smooth. All saying different things. They will not leave me. There is no peace.

Something more coherent... I hope

I realised that the last three posts were rather... incoherent (or as Jasmine puts it, cryptic). I shall attempt to write something of more value, more coherent this time round.

What shall I write about? Shall I follow Brandon and write some social commentaries? About the social injustices, the economic inequities, the political wrongs of our society? No. I do not think I know enough (have not been reading the newspapers regularly) to write about that.

Shall I then write about my life? Oh, but it is all so boring and monotonous. Go to work, go home. Eat, sleep. Nothing really interesting. Perhaps that is why I do not keep a diary. I really do not like coming up with a laundary list of the things that I have done in the day. I suppose I can try to be more descriptive, and go into details of the things that are more important, which affected me greatly, etc. but... I seem to have lost the ability to write proper, coherent prose.

Shall I then write about my thoughts about various issues? Philosophy perhaps? Or Physics? After all, I do have an MSc in Radiation Physics (with Medical Applications mind you...). So I should be able to write about such things right? Wrong. I have forgotten much of my Physics. Being a slave causes rapid cerebral atrophy.

I am stuck. I don't know what to write. I invariably return to this state of not knowing. My saving grace is that Socrates also did not know much. In fact, that is, accroding to Socrates himself, the reason why he is the wisest person in Greece (or so says the Oracle at Delphi). He knows that he does not know, whereas his contemporaries do not know, but they think that they do. Lao Tzu said something like that too. But I am sure I am not wise. I am just ignorant.

But ignorance is bliss is it not? It was knowledge that caused Adam and Eve to be cast out of the Garden of Eden. And so, if we want to go back to paradise (i.e. the garden of Eden), we should abandon our pursuit of knowledge. But that is weird though, for the greatest advances in Science in modern history took place in the predominantly Christian 'West'. What a contradiction then.

Life is like that, I supppose. Full of contradictions. I guess some things we will just never be able to understand. Or perhaps I do not understand simply because I am ignorant.

But hang on. Ignorance just mean not knowing. A person can have minimal knowledge but still have the capacity to understand things quickly. Comprehension and the ability to analyse is different from having knowledge. I suppose between the former and the latter, I would rather have the former. Knowledge is easier to gain than the ability to comprehend and analyse. But as Confucious says, knowing without thinking leads to confusion, thinking without knowing leads to death. So perhaps I should choose knowledge over the ability to comprehend and analyze. I am confused. :(

Sigh. I think I have (kind of) suceeded in being slightly more coherent and less cryptic than the previous 3 posts. My mind is a messy place. It shows on my disgusting face. Hahaha. Perhaps poetry next?

Yoda Speaks

write this you will. this you will. say that i shall. "that i shall". yoda. can you imagine him in real life. he'll be so hilarious. like a little green monkey high on LSD. jumping, twirling around, with a deadly light sabre in his hand. he could hurt someone with that.

but he's nothing but a green muppet. that still doesn't change the fact that he speaks funny. having said that. the english language is a really weird language. take the word "oversight" for example. it could mean either: 1) an unintentional mistake or 2) supervision. so the person who had oversight of this project had an oversight. i'm confused. and i always thought i was Rencheng.

that was so lame. i have been full of lame jokes recently. ok. more so than before. just the other day, jimmy came in to the office and wondered what happened to the air con (it was quite warm in the office) and i immediately shot out, "it ran away with the refrigerator. if you don't believe me, go check the fridge (we have a fridge in our office, tucked away in a little corner) and you will see that it is still running." jimmy was stunned.

i surprise myself sometimes. i want wanton hor fun. not to be confused with wanton whore fun. the former is delicious, the latter is DELICIOUS. though the latter is more dangerous than that former. unless of course you are the sort who is prone to being choked on wantons.

i wonder whether Yoda ever chokes on food. how would you perform the heimlich (is that how you spell it? my spelling sucks... as does... nvm) manouver (again, don't know how to spell this...) on that small green thing? i wonder whether his physiology similar to ours?

have ever realised though, that most of the aliens in movies are very anthropomorphic? why should aliens even resemble us? why upright? why heads and limbs and all? why can't a sentient being be nothing more than a slimy gooey gunk? or crystalline or something completely unlike what we are familiar with? they should have more imagination.

you can do a lot of things with a vivid imagination. you can take a holiday right where you are, imagining yourself to be in the most splendid of destinations, enjoying whatever it is that you enjoy most, perhaps with the people that you like most. some people do that with the aid of drugs. but if you have a vivid imagination, then you will not need drugs. just sit there and vegetate. perhaps that is what I should be doing.

vegetate. if i were a vegetable. i would be pretty angry with humanity. spray icky stuff on me. never mind. eat me. never mind. must they use my name with such negative connotations? argh.

thankfully, i'm not a vegetable. i am one of those bastard human beings. as a species, we are united in the fact that we are bastards, we march as one, inexorably towards death, towards destruction, towards wanton carnage.

wantons. should i have wanton mee pok today? or wanton... nvm. besides, i'm broke.

gosh. how long have i been rambling for? and i'm supposed to be defending my nation. defending my ass more like it. not that my ass is in any danger. no one here will do anything even if i bent over forwards seductively (not that i want to anyways...). actually, i don't know. can i really be certain? what do i know? i really don't know.

Wrong Time

the time was wrong. it was WRONG! how could it have been? i thought i had it. but no. the time was wrong. it was not a very big problem though. but can you imagine the consequences if it was not this but something else and the time was WRONG?! gosh. the horror of it all.

First time..

it... it is my first time. trepedition. doubt. should i? what if it does not work out? will i regret it? but... if you don't try, you never know right? then... does that mean that we should try everything? "at least try everything once," they say. really? should we really try everything once? would that include murder? perhaps that would give one a thrill that one really likes. then the next. then the next. death. blood. gurgling. sputtering. what was it you wanted to say? no matter. just die. good.

first time. not sure. what should i do? plunge right in? or be a little bit more reserved? explore first? i don't know. i really don't know.