I wish they would die

i wish that those whom i love most, care about most will all die before i do.

rather i bear the grief of losing loved ones than them.

Cancer

i see the ah bengs on the bus sometimes. i see the way the behave, their profound insecurities hidden behind the facade of false bravado, their general aimlessness, their cowardice that drives them to band together like packs of hyenas.

i wonder whether i will be able, when i start teaching, to educate people like them. currently, i don't think i can. i don't think i have the patience, the tenacity, the courage and the strength to handle students like them. what then? will i give up on them?

but if i do, and if everyone else does, then what?

these students will grow up to become a cancer of society, leaching life away, slowly but surely starving the vital organs of state, impeding the proper functioning of our nation.

so on at least 3 levels, we have to help these students break the viscious cycle of poverty.

a society where the poor gets poorer and rich gets richer breeds deep discontent. as early as Lao Tzu, we know that when there is great disparity in terms of social status and wealth within a nation, it is going to breed envy, jealousy, resentment. crime, dissent, discontent will fester.

a society where the proportion of chronic poor increases spends much on welfare, crime fighting and any other blackholes. the segment of population that is productive decreases and the proportion of population that is chronically poor is not only not productive, but becomes a burden.

everyone deserves to live life with dignity, to be able to pursue happiness, to be able to choose the sort of life that he wants. in order to do this, he must be adequately equipped with the financial wealth as to afford him those choices. so from the humanistic point of view students need to be educated too.

so, from the humanistic, economic and social point of view, we see that it is imperative to educate those ah beng ah lian students, even though these are the students who are the most difficult to educate, even though these are the students who most do not want to be educated.

does our nation have enough teachers with the tenacity and ability to educate these students? is the education system conducive for the education of these students?

questions to ponder about.

Random Stuff

songs on my playlist now include:
Tong Hua
Collide (Howie Day)
Be Strong
Let It Be

i am just asking for major nostalgia heartache attack. all started because, for some reason, i could not get Tong Hua out of my head and kept humming it today.

stupid moron's maths test (SMMT) tmr. studying. damn. i never thought i would have to do this kind of sit for exams, mug and shit again. argh.

sigh... i miss...

A world without religion

Karl Marx said:

"Religious suffering is at one and the same time the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.

The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions. The criticism of religion is therefore in embryo the criticism of that vale of tears of which religion is the halo."

a post on X's blog and some comments there got me thinking about religion. and i found that bit that Marx said about religion. and i realised that his insight on that matter was incredibly incisive.

Man created God to explain what he cannot, to give strength when his own strength fails, to give hope when the situation seems desperate, to right greivances which otherwise would forever remain unjust, to assuage an otherwise unbearable pain. it is because of our own innate weakness that we create a supernatural being which is everything that Man wants to be but is not, a perfection which we can aspire to, look towards for some form of guidance and assistance.

but if there comes a day when Man no longer needs the crutch of religion to stand on his own, having the strength of willpower, fortitude of character, empowered to create a glorious present and astounding future for himself, then God would be obsolete.

however, for such a day to be, Man would need to evolve, but not just in our physical attributes, but in our mindsets, not just Man as an individual, but human civilisation, not just Man the being, but also Man the idea. all have to evolve, to become that higher being, to become, in our own rights, God.

is that not possible? is that irreverant? that one day we might become equal with God?

no. i don't think it is irreverant nor impossible. as early as 2500 years ago, Guatama Siddharta expounded such a philosophy. that we all have the potential to be enlightened beings, surpassing even the Gods we worship. the path to this enlightenment is long and treacherous, with many distractions and temptations, but it can be done. and Siddharta offered some advice, what he would call expedient means. but he did not say that those were the only path to reach the state of becoming an enlightened being. different people take different paths. but regardless of the path they take, they can become that enlightened being.

is this an arrogant way of thinking?

on the contrary, i think it is liberating, humbling. because everyone of us posses that potential to be such an enlightened being that we are all worthy of respect, that we should thus respect one another, treating one another as equals, working together, helping one another become that enlightened being and hence achieving a complete evolution of humanity.

it is a self-centred practice. in the sense that the change has to start with the self. but not end with the self. as Goethe said, "why have i sought my path with fervent care, if not in hope to bring my brothers there." but this hope is not out of a desire for self-aggrandizement, but purely because one wants to share, to assist, because that is the right thing to do.

isn't this another religion?

yes and no. it is a lifestyle. an attitude. a mindset. it only becomes a religion when you throw in the rituals. but again, because at this stage, humanity, Man is too weak that we might need the rituals as a crutch while we gradually develop to that stage (a la training wheels on a bike). however, these rituals are not the end in themselves, but merely an expedient means. the end stage is to lead a life, have an attitude, a mindset of an enlightened being.

so do we need religion?

i supose so. for now at least. but only as an expedient mean to the stage when Man becomes enlightened, when Man becomes (and perhaps even surpasses) the God that we have invented.

Colour on the ground

despite our best efforts, racism is rife in singapore. that's a fact.

reasons?

lack of interaction and true friendship amongst races.

something must be done.

if you are reading this, i urge you, go out and get to know one more person from another race. be his/her really good friend.

it will take time. it will be difficult. but it has to be done.

Feels like Shit

the feeling i have now is quite similar to the one i had some tuesday a few weeks ago.

that day, as i walked to the bus stop on my way to school, i felt this great pressure build up in my stomach. never mind. bear with it. waited for the bus. the pressure grew stronger and stronger. it was all i could to hold it all in.

very gingerly, i got up, started making my way back home from the bus stop. i dared not risk walking too fast, for fear of... erm... inertia. yet i knew that i had to make it back as fast as i can because things were fast becoming very uncomfortable, reaching critical.

the few moments in the lift seemed like eternity, i was sweating profusely. cold sweat mind you. and... well... it was horrible. the tension, the pressure, the sheer force of will to hold things in.

lift door opened, as fast as possible, carefully, warily, went up the stairs, into the flat, into the toilet, and...

RELIEF.

it was one of the best feelings that i've ever had. the sheer sense of letting go. the entire body just relaxed. it was wonderful.

and so that's how i feel now. like shit. or rather, like after having shitted.

RELIEF.

:)

liberation

by the end of this week, i'll be over and done with all this rubbishness of ASSignmets.

had some interesting insights from last week. met up with friends, realised that people are moving on, and that perhaps i should too.

25. quarter of a century. friends already getting married. friends whom i associate with my JC days, whom, for some reason, i cannot think of in any other ways other than what they were like when they were in JC. but now they are getting married. has it been that long?

Say what?

interesting article here about being critical in our thoughts. quite balanced. i think reading the article has given me a good perspective wrt what i wrote in my previous post.

the author describes very well... we got to choose our battles, selecting what we say. yes, we might not agree with something, but do we necessarily have to articulate these disagreements? or do we keep them in the privacy of our minds, move on and do something about it?

alas, a lot of us youths don't. we stand up, shoot our mouths off, do nothing and achieve nothing.

rather, i'm beginning to think that Mother Theresa's philosophy should be something that youths should learn, "do little things with great love." do we youths do that? or do we only talk really big sounding like we got damn a lot of passion, but when comes to doing...

fyi, mea culpa.

Triggered by Garota

"the value of youth input, besides human time and energy, is the perspective we can give. one that might be different from the majority of (and i say this affectionately) old fogeys running the country. which is why diverse opinions - naïve or not - are healthy and should be encouraged. and if we coalesce it through dialogue, we can get stuff happening."

i agree with this statement but only to a limited extent.

i agree that it is definitely important to have a diversity of views. i would like to draw an analogy with nature. why is it that within a species there are diverse creatures each with slightly different genetic makeup? just so that each can adapt to a different situation so that the species as a whole can survive even if the situation and conditions where the species finds itself in changes. and within these diverse elements of the species, they compete and the most adaptable one, the one that is most suitable for the situation at that point of time survives and prospers. similarly with ideas. but should one specific sub-species gain dominance and wipe out the others, then there would be a danger that should the conditions adruptly change (say the introduction of a virus which the sole remaining sub-species is not genetically prepared for) happens, then the species runs the danger of extinction. similarly with ideas. there should be a diversity of ideas so that at any one time, there are options to choose from and the most suitable one (i.e. the "fittest" idea) survives without totally killing off the rest so that when the situation changes, there are other ideas which are suitable. put simply, it's to avoid groupthink.

and i also agree that we should not expect youths to know how to govern the country. some precocious ones might. but not all... but their ideas are still important nonetheless.

however, my point in my post, PMS, was that there are some youths who think that their views are the only ones which are valid, refusing to see it from some other person's perspective, refusing to consider new information, thinking that they know it all. it is this arrogance is the sort of naivete that i do not agree with. my point is thus this, difference perspective, important indeed. but think more, find out more, seek first to understand before being understood. alas, that was not what happens most of the time with us youths. we are so... eager to push our points across, ignoring all else that runs counter with what we think to be the case.

to be fair, this problem is not unique to youths. actually everyone does it. but the problem is that youths have to recognise that very often, we truly know a lot less than those who have been blessed to live longer than us.

so i urge youths, yes, please be critical, please bring a fresh perspective to things. but before you open your mouths, engage your brains, find out more, try to see from the other person's perspective, seek first to understand before being understood.

as to the black hole of feedback... well... that session was not supposed to be a feedback session per se. it was a dialogue session, where the youths present was given the privilege of hearing very honest, no holds bar opinions that the PM has on various issues. and some of the issues were potentially sensitive which the PM, as a politician, could not make in public for various reasons. i think that the feedback system in Singapore is improving. at least if you choose certain modes to give your feedback, you do get responses, though not necessarily the sort you want. MPS is a good avenue. the various FBGs as well (since the government agencies are obliged to give you a formal response that is published on the website...). but whether these feedback are effective... well... i think it depends.

right. queue for printer has shorten.

Bartimaeus Trilogy

too underrated a series. first book started slow. but Bartimaeus' humour made it interesting and sustained interest. and it ended in such a way that you didn't really desperately want to read

the second book. but the second book did come along and for the heck of it i bought it and read it anyways. again the weird sense of humour that Bartimaeus displayed in the book made it interesting. it also kept you guessing, kind of a thriller, you want to know who that darn person is. and towards the end, it packed some really interesting ideas... some very incisive analogies of politics hidden amongst the folds of what seemed to be nothing more than a child's fantasy story. i thought that that was very cleverly done.

and the third book! again, slow start. but i knew that it must hide something interesting. and sure enough, i was not disappointed. plot was good. and again, it managed to weave some rather deep philosophies into the book, some rather deep themes. it even had a section that seemed close to be expounding Buddhism. and the end.... the end was absolutely beautifu. tragically beautiful.

well... if you enjoyed Harry Potter, you might very well enjoy the Bartimaeus Trilogy. similar, but quite different. give it a go if you have the time. :)

...

if i could let out a PRIMAL SCREAM i would.

but... there will only be a muffled sigh.

too many things, too many thoughts, all at once, colliding, crumpling into one big mess.

a great yearning rising to cast it all off, remove it like a wet and foetid set of clothes and step away...

if only for a moment.

What's Cooking

i was in the comp lab till late yesterday doing my maths lesson plan. it was like writing a script. i find the analogy between theatre and teaching increasingly strong. the lesson plan is a script, the teacher requires comic timing, showmanship, emphasised pauses at the right time, just as a star actor.

anyways, so i was there doing my lesson plan. but i got too tired and started reading X's blog. X had this post about cooking. as i read that post, for some reasons, i got transported back to Bristol, to my first year, in the Powell lecture room, trying to survive the drudgery of the lesson. all the time, i think of what i can cook for dinner. it got me through the day.

i looked forward to cooking dinner in my first year. it was... therapeutic. the rythmic chopping of garlic, the symphony of sizzling woks and bubbling pots, the mixture of different fragrances wafting across the corridor.

food brought people together in bristol (as i am sure i must have in many other places). first year was up on the fifth floor. second year was for faculty mates, 10 at a time (though usually the same group of 10 people). third year was for my 'granddaughters' and BOng.

that flashback brought back a deluge of memories, of emotions attached with the memories, good ones, bad ones, beautiful ones, painful ones, silly ones, funny ones.

i don't cook anymore.

PMS

short for Prime Minister Says.

went for the PM Dialogue with Young Singaporeans and PM sure said a lot of things. few observations:

Theoretical Questions

there were many JC students there, of whom many asked questions. but the questions they asked seemed rather scripted, rather... impersonal. there lacked a certain sense of... personal involvement and passion in the questions that they asked. if felt like while they wanted to know the answers to those questions, those questions did not concern them nor were they truly concerned about the questions. they seemed ot have had researched their questions, but yet, their research is from statistics, from what they read in the papers, but very detached from the true gut sentiments from the ground.

Youthful naiveté

then there was this other guy who picked up on PM's answer a question. he was disappointed with PM's answer, saying that it was sending out a signal that we are still being very micro, bothering about the nitty gritties rather than becoming a more gracious society, a more holistically developed society, etc. basically, he felt that we should go all out to take care of people at the fringes. while i agree that we should help those who are at the fringes, i don't agree with the methods he proposed. we have to realise that there are other demands on our resources, other needs that have to be met and fulfilled so we really have to find the most effecient way of doing things. and that was PM's point. but that guy just felt that we were still being too concerned with economics, saying that that was being too concerned with the micro issues. i think it just demonstrated too much naiveté, too little understanding of the challenges it takes to build a viable nation. i also suspect that he's from a relatively well to do background and that he doesn't really know what most people in singapore are like (i.e. thinking that everyone's like him, educated, doing well, having the luxury of not having to wonder about where the next meal will come from, etc). my point being that while we should be idealistic, we should also know what reality is like. and 0nly then can we realise our ideals.

My question

i asked the following question (where i reproduce almost as i asked it): "i think the bloggers who got thrown into prison are stupid. not because of what they said, cos i've not read what they said and hence am in no position to comment. i think they are stupid because they got caught. i mean, they are male singaporeans, must have done NS. how could they have forgotten the golden rule of SAF: do anything you want, don't get caught? of course, i'm only joking. my point is that it seems that we are only abiding by laws because we are afraid of punishment not because it is the right thing to do, that we are being 'racially harmonious' because we don't want to be thrown into prison not because we really respect and understand other races, that we don't say nasty things about our teachers not because we respect them, but because we don't want to be expelled. now i know that it is impossible for a society to be without laws and punishments to enforce these laws. but i think it is possible that we move closer to that state where people do the right things because it is right not out of fear of punishment. so my question is, how can we move towards such a state?"

alas, i asked my question towards the end, when everyone was rushing to ask question and so the point of my question was lost. but it's ok. it got some people thinking. there were even people who came up to me after the session during what was supposed to be dinner to talk to me about my comments. there was this group of JC kids who came around. it started with 2, but then since a lot of the JC kids know one another, the group grew. so it was interesting. was telling them about what i think of education, about being critical, etc etc. and then there were these other people from NUS, Ngee Ann, etc. had some interesting conversation (X, if you are reading this, thanks for the entertaining conversation.)

actually... i've left out most of the details, cos what was discussed is supposed to be confidential. so cannot put here, hence only those things that i said (which i think i can claim the right to repeat) and my observations.

right. sleep time.

When you have opinionated friends

there's this guy, XH in my class. now XH is well known for being... rather vocal. which is fine by me... except when there are other opinionated and vocal people around. there's this other person, J, in my physics module who is just as vocal and opinionated there was this once when i was in the same group as J and XH for some discussion thing. man... trying to squeeze a word in between the 2 of them is harder than giving birth.

not that i know how it feels like to give birth. and i'm trying to trivalise the pain and trauma that mothers go through during childbirth. but it is true. trying to squeeze words between XH and J is a herculean task, not to be attempted by the faint hearted. you have to catch that moment when both of them have to catch their breaths at the same time and in that tiny window of opportunity, rattle everything off.

Poseidon's Wrath

again, Poseidon was enraged. and in his rage, shook the Earth with all his might.

carnage and devastation, 30000 lives lost in an instant. beside such raw power, what are we? nothing but pathetic little beings, fragile, insignificant.

in our insignificant, tiny red dot that is Singapore, there are no major outpourings of grief this time round, no mad rush of campaigns to raise funds, almost as if we are somehow desensitized, almost as if 30000 is nothing but a mere 5 digit number while the 20000+ were somehow more like real people whose lives were suddenly snuffed away.

empathy gets weaker the further away we are away from the places of devastation.

Shooting Stars

i just watched the last episode of shooting stars. and i got goosebumps... and... well... i found it... touching, moving. i know... shooting stars wasn't particularly good or anything... plot's cheesy, lines tacky, but... all this kind of living one's dreams despite odds stuff... i don't know why it resonates with me so much though. i know... i'm a sucker for that kind of coming of age bullshit.

ah well...

Time Warp

JIS asked me to attend this event at the CC, saying that it was some performance by the CC's Cultural Troupe. so i went, thinking that i would treated to a wide array of cultural performances, reflecting the diversity of multicultural Singapore through the myriad aspects of various cultures.

BUT, when i got to the CC and stepped into the hall, I felt like I walked into a time warp, transporting me back to the 60's or 70's.

as usual, JIS asked me for my comments after the event and these were what i sent her:

1. Chance to get together It was heartening to see people attending the event to support their friends. The function also served to let people who were into a very specific kind of entertainment have a chance to meet, chit chat, and generally relax together as a community.
2. Definition of Culture From what I saw (I was late, only arriving at 9pm), it seems that the 'culture' that was displayed was rather restricted to Chinese pop songs from the 60's and 70's (with one or two from the 90's and new century) and line dancing (1 item) as opposed to the broader definition that the GOH spoke of in his speech.
3. Age Profile of Audience The crowd predominantly middle age/senior citizen. Those who are not are either involved in running the show or the very young children of the middle age members of the audience. Also, I most, if not all, of the performers were middle aged/senior citizens.
4. Racial Profile of Audience There was only 1 non-Chinese there: the maid of one couple, who was taking care of 2 little boys.
5. Lack of Applause The audience was very very stingy with applause. There were points where they applauded only after much coercion from the emcees (who did quite a good job today).
6. When to leave? The moment the number for the grand prize of the lucky draw was drawn, people immediately started up and left, even before the person holding the winning number went up to collect the prize. While I am sure the GOH would not mind such things, I thought it would have been more polite to leave only after the GOH leaves.
7. A hidden star? Mr Chan, the new chairman of the Cultural Troupe, is a GREAT singer, far better than Taufik, Sylvester and Kelvin (the Project Superstar winner).

it was an interesting evening, even though it wasn't exactly my cup of tea.

JIS then forwarded my comments to her husband. and informed me that i have been arrowed to do some stuff, advising me to brush up on my teochew and malay. which i don't mind doing... cos it sounds like fun. but i hope that her husband would help me with some survey for my assignment. would be interesting to get his opinions. we shall find out tonight.

Not writing?

i realised that i have not been writing much recently. definitely not as prolific as i was when i was back in MCIOO. for a few reasons, one being that i do not have as much time.

but i still do write down some of my thoughts on other people's blogs. Garota's blog has some of my comments (sometimes rather long ones) and so does Akikonomu (also some rather long expositions). so if you are interested, you might want to follow the bread crumbs and read their blogs (which are very good read anyways).

i will try to write more after October... after getting through the PILES of ASSignments. at least i managed to finish some today. (ha... can you imagine? i spent the whole of today working?! i know. i'm nuts. sighz.)

Songs

reading Jos' post got me thinking. it didn't help that i was listening to some songs and running through the MP3s that I have.

beyond brings me back into a room full of brown wood, on the floors, the furniture, the mantle over the crackling gas heater turned up to full blast, reading chinese novels online, not realising that spring is turning into summer, a deserted corridor, solitude broken by a beaming smile from the carpark as i cooked dinner.

i still can't listen to moloko. a tiny room stashed away in an almost forgotten corner, nearly at the height of the canopy of the trees such that when dawn breaks, you hear the birds. warmth and gentle breathing, cramped cosiness. i don't think i ever got over that. guilt.

dancing in the moonlight. an erstwhile friend. confused relationships, lost through distance across a vast ocean, a growing chasm between lifestyles. not worth pursuing anymore. neither can be asked to.

norah jones. dinners in london. apartment at the edge of 2 worlds, a modern business district in an ancient city next to slums and pseudo-ghettos, divided only by the DLR tracks. regular runs along the river bank, running into the middle of bank on a sunday morning. heartbroken friend finding love, radioactive solitude in summer.

i agree with jos. it's weird how songs can transport one back to a moment in the past, complete with every single sensation, physical, mental and emotional.

nostalgia indeed.